This morning I woke up with tears, last night I fell asleep crying. Maybe I slept only a few hours. Barely even ate yesterday. I feel like having a big stone lying on my chest, suffocating me.
And I am in foreign lands, in an isolated place, alone and I came because of him. It happened that 101 times he did what he wanted, gave me false promises, failed to keep it.
Without thinking he disconnected his phone, did not put credit on mine purposely so that I can not call him. First, you would think he is cheating on me but no, I know it is not a case. When he gets angry he disappears and comes back. I can not tolerate this. Went too far, and I let this last up to now. I am too old for children’s games. How a person who loves you can make you cry and do not care about you spending nights and days alone, knowing you do not have anyone around. Above all, I have severe pain in the stomach and only one painkiller left. I can not buy as I have no way of getting to the town without him. It is hard, so hard to believe that person I love can make me cry and worry all night and day, leave me in my room in solitude. I do not know when he will come, but I will make a decision about us. One year it did not get any better, I do not think it will…It hurts me but it is better to be in pain after leaving and get over it then cry every day. As this is the big real love I was trying to learn and I did all to make it work. I came to the point where I am exhausted.
I am a positive person I believe, I am always looking to give myself strength and I am thinking I will be fine, I am ok. This morning I had to pull myself together. Who will worry friends and family that are miles and miles away? Maybe I should talk, but I always think about them. Nothing lasts forever it will pass soon. That is in my mind.
I am so angry at me as well. I know I can’t control what others do to me. I can’t know if they will hurt me with their actions or not. I just do not want to forget about myself and stop with my life, I do not want to be lying in my bed and cry a river. I can’t control what they do, but I know I can control my reactions. I REALLY WANT THAT AND I HAVE TO DO THAT. My mother is not here to bring me coffee or medicine, my friends are not here to watch comedies with me and make me laugh. I AM ALONE, BUT TEMPORARY.
I WANT TO BE SOMEONE WHO MAKES ME HAPPY. Eventually, everything passes so he will come, I will be able to tell him how I feel. I will pick myself up from the floor and do something that will make me feel better. No matter who does not care about me, I care for myself. That should always exist and if he wanted purposely to hurt me in this way, I will not let him and I will not care and I will not give that pleasure to anyone anymore in my life.
Hellooo, I am still alive, and I must have some purpose and I do have goals. So no, I will not let depression and sadness to sneak into my mind, because I am the one holding the doors.